Can You Feel like I Do
by Shinyaa
Summary: Nuriko can't stand the pain of loving Hotohori anymore. But much to his surprise there is another one who knows the same pain. [Tasuki x Nuriko]
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** You know how it goes. Fushigi Yuugi doesn't belong to me, neither do the characters.

**Summary:** Nuriko can't stand the pain of loving Hotohori anymore and tries to kill himself. But much to his surprise there is another one who knows the same pain.

**AN/Warnings: **This is my second fanfiction I dare to show other people. I hope there are not too many mistakes because I am not a native English speaker. This story is probably AU and there will be shounen ai between Tasuki and Nuriko. Oh, and it's Nuriko's POV, as you will see. I think that's it and please tell me what you think - constructive criticism is always welcome.

**Can You Feel Like I Do**

I was lying on my bed, like I did every night. The more days passed, the more hopeless I became - if that was even possible. Every night there was only one question in my mind: Why can't he love me? Unconsciously, I knew the answer but I didn't want to admit it, I just hoped that one day, he would notice me. But since that, nearly two years had passed and the only one he ever loved was the Suzaku no Miko, Miaka. And I can't stand it anymore. I thought this over a thousand times, but today I was sure: I would end my life here and now. I was sure that no one would come, anyway, because who would think that the strong and always cheerful Nuriko would kill himself? I snorted. They were going to be surprised if they found me the next morning. They would probably ask why, and maybe notice that they did know nothing about my realf self at all.

I rose from my bed, slowly walking to the table where the thing lay that would end my misery. I took the knife into my hands. The sharp metal felt cold, like my body would in the next few hours. But it didn't bother me. I had, indeed, nothing to live for anymore. With one swift move, I slit my wrist and allowed myself to sank to my knees. So, this was the life of the courageous Suzaku Shichiseishi Nuriko. How pitiful.

I felt myself weaken more and more and lay fully onto the floor. It was just then when someone shook me fierce and cursed.

"Damn ya! What the hell happend ta you?"

I heard the voice, but at first couldn't figure out who it was. The sounds were all so far away from me and I felt sort of dazed. I didn't feel the wound in my wrist either, I felt nearly empty. I tried to focus on the voice and when I made out some more curses I knew it could only be Tasuki. I smiled weakly. I knew he would be angry but I couldn't take it anymore. My pain was nearly unbearable and I was simply not that strong. I know everyone thought I was, but they don't know me, they know nothing about my real self. How could _they_ if even I didn't know?

"I ain't let ya die! I'm gonna get Mitsukake!" I've never heard Tasuki that worried before, but I didn't care at all. Mitsukake wouldn't make it in time. Why did Tasuki even care? They all pretended to be my friends, my fellow warriors, but it is all just a lie. No one really cares about me, no one understands me. I am sick of being teased about my feelings for Hotohori-sama. He loves Miaka but she doesn't love him. I love him and he doesn't love me - it hurts me as much as him! But why am I the one they make fun of? Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have been born. I want to die. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to be with Kourin again.

Suddenly I heard a sound near the door and quick steps coming near me. No! He can't be back already! But when I heard Mitsukake's calm voice I forced my eyes open. My vision was blurred, though, but I saw him kneeling right in front of me, Tasuki on the other side. The doctor gently took my hand into his and then I felt the sensation of his healing powers. The power flooded trough my veins, stopping my bleeding and preventing me from dying. I was alive. I had been saved.

"He's going to be okay, if he rests.. and does not try to do something stupid again!" Mitsukake stated. I still wondered why they cared if I lived or died. Mitsukake, in the meantime, was on his feet again. "Tasuki, would you mind to have a look after him? He may feel a bit weak because he had lost so much blood already.. but make sure he rests and does not strain himself." With those words he left the room, leaving only me and Tasuki. I tried to rise, because I was still lying on the floor. I felt dizzy and I think my arms would have given out if it were not for Tasuki, who wrapped his strong arms around me and steadied me. My vision was fading but before darkness could overcome me, I thought it felt nice to be held like this.

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I moaned when I felt waking up. The sunlight seemed so bright and I opened my eyes only half. It was already morning and I still felt a bit weak, but more like I had slept a very long time. I was bothered by the sunlight, somehow - it was such a contrast to me: bright, sunny, friendly, almost _happy_. That were feelings I felt none of at the moment.

"Nuriko?"

That was Tasuki's voice! I forced my eyes the whole way open and was startled when I found myself in Tasuki's arms. I was seated in his lap, sitting on my bed, one of his arms supporting my head, the other one circled around my waist. I couldn't help myself but blush in this, somehow, weird position.

"You're... you're still here?" I asked, unsure if this was a dream. Had he been with me all night?

He snorted. "Did you think I would leave ya alone, after what happened last night? And now the hell tell me what happened! Ya scared the shit outta me, ya know!"

Somehow, I felt myself getting angry. I knew I couldn't blame him, knew he wouldn't understand my reasons, but I wanted so badly for someone to understand. And why not him, since he found me in the first place, anyway. I had to get it out.

"I... I can't stand it anymore! Everyone is always teasing me about my feelings for Hotohori-sama and they never notice how much it hurts me! I tried to forget him, to stop loving him, but it's not that easy, so I decided it would be best if I weren't here anymore! I'm just a burden and no one really understands me. I don't have anything to live for and I don't want to suffer any longer." I felt the tears built in my eyes but didn't heed them. I've never spoken to anyone about my pain and now it all came out and even if I wanted, I couldn't stop speaking anymore.

"And just when I had enough courage to end my life you came and saved me! It's just not fair...Why didn't you let me die?" I sobbed.

Instead of answering, Tasuki just embraced me more tightly. I was confused, but somehow felt relieved that I told him about my feelings and I clutched onto him, letting my tears flow freely and crying all my pain out on his shoulder.

Tasuki began rocking me, like a little child in the arms of its mother and the first time in my life I felt warm and comfortable and _protected_. But I was afraid to let him go, to be alone again, to see disgust in his eyes for something like me and anger that I clutched onto him for so long. I knew I should let go of him, knew he hadn't had the time to care about me all day, but I just wanted to be held like this for a bit longer, because it was the first time someone embraced me that loving, that caring. But then I told myself that I wasn't a baby, that I could handle this, like I always did. I tried to shift and to back away from him - and was startled when he wouldn't let me.

"...Tasuki...?! Would you.. let go of me, please?" What he said instead surprised me.

"How dare ya do such a shit! How dare ya tried ta leave me..." his words were very quiet, leaving me wondering.. what did he mean? I was getting more and more confused. "What... what do you mean?"

He took a deep breath. "I wanted ta tell ya... but I didn't have the courage an' I knew ya still loved Hotohori... so it was pointless, anyway. But when I saw ya might die.. I was afraid I would lose ya forever an' never havin' told ya 'bout my real feelings for you..."

What? He couldn't mean...? No, that was impossible. No one loved me, it had always been like this and I never expected it to change. Maybe I misunderstood him, maybe he just wanted to make me feel better.

"Tasuki, what are you talking about?"

He gripped at my shoulders and pushed me away from him, so he could look into my eyes, which were still glistening with tears. "Are ya really that oblivious? I simply... love you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** As always, nothing belongs to me.

_He gripped at my shoulders and pushed me away from him, so he could look into my eyes, which were still glistening with tears. "Are ya really that oblivious? I simply... love you."_

_--------------------------------------------_

"You love... you... you do?"

"Well... First I didn't want ta admit it. I mean, I never thought I could love another man... and ya still loved Hotohori. Plus, I knew ya would not love me back... But I never tried ta do such a stupid thing and kill myself because of unrequited love! Hotohori doesn't deserve ya, anyway. He never looked at ya twice and he never thought about yer feelings! How can ya love him still?"

I was getting angry again. "Don't say such things about Hotohori-sama! He is very sacrifice and always does what is best for his country first. Therefore he is very lonely because everyone just sees the emperor and I wish I could ease his pain... Actually, he would not hurt me intentionally, but he knows I'm a man and his advisors rush him to take an empress."

"I would think about that twice! He knows about yer feelings, however, he still ignores ya and even distanced himself from ya since he knows. I don't believe he thinks of you as a friend because then he would have talked to ya or showed ya that you're important ta him! He doesn't have any time for ya at all and all he cares about is his own looks!"

"Stop telling lies!"

I didn't want to hear any more of Tasuki's babbling, but somehow, in the back of my mind, I realised it was true what he said. Hotohori-sama couldn't change the way he felt for me, neither could I. But I didn't want to see him every day and suppress the tears anymore because of that knowledge. I knew we could never be together but it hurt so much.

I struggled and easily broke free from Tasuki. I rose from my bed and headed towards the middle of the room, wanting to take the knife which still lay there. But Tasuki saw where I was going and thanks to his speed he grabbed the knife right when I reached out with my hands. I glared at him.

"Give it back to me!" I demanded, simultaneously tried to snatch the knife back from Tasuki. He didn't make a move, though, and just held the knife out of my reach. Thanks to his height I couldn't get it now.

"Tasuki, you know I'm much stronger than you. I don't want to hurt you, but if you won't give me the knife I have no choice."

"Nuriko, why don'tcha forget him? Why can'tcha give me a chance?"

"I can't just forget him and love you instead! I've loved him for so long, although I knew he would never love me back, nevertheless I can't change the way I feel. I love him so much, even though it hurts, but I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can return your feelings either. The easiest way to solve this problem is for me to die."

And then, much to my surprise, Tasuki began to look angry. He dashed forward and before I had the time to think or to react he grabbed me by my shoulders and fiercely pressed his lips down on mine. My eyes widened and when I regained control I immediately pushed him away.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"If ya can't love me voluntary, I'll make ya love me!"

He is insane, I thought. Of course I knew I was stronger than him, but nevertheless I felt a tingle of fear. Again, he reached out and got hold of my wrist. I've never seen this look on Tasuki's face ever, but I was afraid, not sure what was going on. This was not the Tasuki I was used to, but he had always been very emotional.

"Tasuki, please stop! I don't want to hurt you, but this is going way to far, okay?"

However, Tasuki took advantage of his speed once again and scooped me into his arms, the next moment I found myself pinned down on my bed. My fear has turned into panic and I felt numb. I could've easily thrown Tasuki off of me, but shocked like I was, I couldn't even think straight. I did nothing, feeling like my whole strength had been drained and prevented my muscles from moving.

And then... I got confused when I saw tears building in Tasuki's eyes. What was going on?

The next words were whispered and I almost didn't hear them. "Why can't you love me? It would be so much easier for both of us..."

Suddenly I felt guilty when I realised that I caused Tasuki the same pain as Hotohori did to me. A lump was forming in my throat and I forced my own tears back. This time I had to be strong for Tasuki.

"I'm sorry... Tasuki... but... just give me some time. Maybe I could give it a try..."

"Ya... would?"

"Tasuki, I know how you feel more than anyone. I can't promise you anything, but I'll try."

Tasuki let go of my hands and turned away. I had the impression he felt ashamed that he nearly began crying in front of me. I saw him wipe at his eyes. "Sorry," he said.

I sat up, still a bit shaky, and gently touched his arm. "You don't have to be sorry. I know more than anyone the pain of unrequited love. It's no shame for you to cry."

I embraced Tasuki, wanting to give the comfort he needed. I think he never showed his hidden emotions in front of anyone. I've never seen Tasuki show the weak side of him - but when I thought about it, neither did I. We had much more similarities than I expected. And now that I was so close to him and found he was pretty good-looking. Of course, in a different way than Hotohori was, but nevertheless there had always been something special about him. I remembered all the times I hung around with Tasuki. He was the only one who made me laugh. He was the only one who loved me. When did that happen, anyway? I couldn't remember he ever let something slip. Maybe he had been afraid and didn't want to admit his feelings to himself either. Maybe all the teasing was the only way he could deal with it. Gods, how much effort did it take him to tell me this? How much did he had to suffer because of me?

"Nuriko, I'm glad I told ya."

I smiled at him, but my heart was aching. "Me too."


End file.
